I never chose to wake up and find my life's work, my purpose or passion or even the path of least resistance. Why did I write that, "the path of least resistance?" I'd like to convey that I have felt disengaged or disconnected to the person who fills my bookshelf and frames greeting cards to hang on the wall; I love her but I am not I. I am not involved and I have not been for decades. I am a dormant calling to help you discover the fountain of ideas in each of you. I am a thumb typing on a smart phone which is attached to a brain which somehow needs to release a slew of wasted space. Here goes: I dated Bryan in Overland Park while I was living in Lawrence, alone in a wonderful carriage house above a garage behind a house on Pennsylvania St. I had known Bryan in high school and I have a picture of he and Tess playing guitar on Tim's couch late one night; Tess looks beautiful and full of potential. I wasn't attracted to him until after college when I saw hI'm at Ashley's graduation from nursing school party, which she hosted at her grandma Rheva's house. We flirted and talked amongst our friends; he had been close to Ashley's then boyfriend for years and I had grown up and had a lot of fun memories with the people at that party so that puts a person in a nice place to meet someone nice. We exchanged phone numbers late in the night and I was off early in the morning to a cousin's wedding shower. I met Bryan again for an afternoon at the pool in his apartment complex the next day or so; he may have been the first man I kind of almost had a relationship with as an adult; we ate dinner out and I drove home. Next he came to my carriage house and brought a music album - on his phone - but somehow downloaded it at my apt onto a CD which is labeled Gold Frapp. I love the song "little bird" bc it makes me feel whimsy for a July in my married life which we take time to plan our lives, month by month and holiday by holiday, more on that later. I was doing fine with dating until he and I met Ashley and Jeff for a double date at Jazz in the legends& Bryan had been acting very cute and coupley saying things like oh I found us a perfect parking spot and emphasizing the "us" while even looking over at me to make eye contact. I let it wash over me. I had never been in a relationship without forcing someone to love me, I didn't know how to make or feel a real connection but I was there, somewhere watching myself. I talked to Ashley the whole night and ignored Bryan, I remember thinking that when I grow up and go on double dates with my partner and my friends, I won't make my friends uncomfortable by kissing or being googly, I would make my friend the center of attention. I suppose the thought was alright but I ignored my date and I didn't have any comprehension of what it means to be nice to a man, I was real oblivious to a lot of my life. And yet I stayed that night with Bryan, he was not happy with me but didn't say so, I also remember missing the cue one day on a walk with him in the woods. The stint I had with Bryan led me one morning to a service at Unity of Overland Park which featured guest speaker Mary Main Morrisey, who I enjoyed enough to stay around town and see her speaking for an hour lecture later in the afternoon. She had everyone in the audience stand up, turn around three times and look to our neighbor to describe the future life we see for ourselves. I was out of college at this time and working probably as a Nanny; I said to the lady next to me what I saw and I felt warm and fuzzy. I saw myself as an artist with a nice studio in my home, raising kids and teaching some kind of art. That was years ago and I have lived through many men and apartments which haunt my cyclical mind which needs to purge properly. I liked Mary Manin Morrisey and if I had to name an interest or field of something which rings with me it would be the spiritual leaders like her and others in the unity movement, the folks who chuM around with Oprah. I have not been ritualistic or religious although I would truly like to be, I have not fully explored what my views on being a self serving or people serving kind of person, a unity person or a methodist. More on that later.
I met Kyle while living in that carriage house as well. We met at a bar one night and I picked up his (very strange and unattractive) roommate who wound up walking me walk Erin home and then to my place; I think he had mentioned wanting to ride a train and I literally wanted to marry him for that one comment. But by the time we got to my place I had had a chance to realize that he wasn't my type at all, I said thanks for the walk and bid him farewell. I saw Kyle again at a training for emergencies in Topeka; I had actually thought about him a few times with regret for picking up his roommate instead of him and he was so cute, working as a map maker for a company that was holding the big practice in Topeka, I was with my fellow AmeriCorps*Vista volunteers and quickly set up a date with kyle for that night across from my carriage house. We had fun eating and drinking at a food fair in downtown lawrence but I didn't want to kiss him. We had dates atvarious times, maybe 4 times a year while living in Lawrence; I always thought he was the one bc he's so nice and cool and especially bc he seemed to like me a lot like a lot. So I had to keep revisiting the possibility until I saw him in Washington d.c. while I was there for my grandma's funeral service at Arlington national cemetery. We had been to d.c.c packing up her life with my grandpa a few times in the past few months so by the time of the service we were ready to be in a hotel apart from my dad's siblings. Kyle wound up meeting me for a drink at the hotel bar and then for dinner with my parents both nights we were at that place. I said goodnight the first night but had a lovely time and invited him to stay the second night. I had a kind of mental breakdown after that funeral and was dating a man in the military named what - he was large and fine until I heard a very loud voice on Valentines day to get our of there and left immediately from dinner and said that I had a headache instead of going to a movie and staying the night as we had been sleeping together for weeks. I said no toKyle visiting on new years eve bc I was dating that guy. I have lost my reasoning for typing like this.
I recently read my great grandmother Lois's Memoirs and I have a voice like hers in this blog post. Maybe I am delusional. I have had many many dates and I will never be regretful bc they got me to where I am today. I used to think that I would write about all of my relationships to serve my kids as a kind of autopilot life lesson on how to appreciate and respect the time we spend with a romantic partner. I want my kids to never worry about being liked. I want them to feel the happiness of a lifetime in one fleeting moment on a dance floor in a very foreign country. I want them to respect their lived enough to pay for travel on a regular basis, I want my kids to swim in Greece bc I had a mental breakdown on Fri and cried mostly about the fact that I never chose to make money. I never asked myself how can I enjoy this life more and made decisions to get myself to that point. I am here cluttered with apartments and men and babies I did not birth and do not miss. I am sad to see my life had been nothing but default.
I am so sad to see this apt in this bedroom every morning and night bc I am reminded that I do not like the Life I am living so much so that I think about dying bc I see no hope for anything better.
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