I May Be A Fan Of The Revival Culture

Let me preface by saying that I am very purposely seeking a path. I am reading books about Cristians and mystics and I most relate to the Tao The Ching. I follow my heart hum as best as I am able, I use words like "heart hum." My boyfriend and my closest girlfriend are on the same "organized religion and particularly organized christianty is a fear based and too often dangerous" kind of mindset. And I get it, I really think that I get it. My boyfriend grew up in a Catholic community and my girlfriend teaches middle school theater to very beautiful students of many paths.

Try to tighten these muscled: what a meaningful morning

I began a book last night as suggested by my new therapist; it's the kind of book that gives a light to your life. I need light like a drowning fly needs a raft. I am excited because it's a 30 day book of spiritual writing, it ends with making an intention mandala. I am a huge "fan' of mandalas. I use quotations around the word " fan" just like I'd use them to call myself a "writer" or an "artist" or even more far fetched is calling myself a "yogi" or an "athlete."

What do you like to do for fun, my boss's pt asks her as I type this blog on my smart phone. I meant to document a dialogue BC why not. I lifted her off the seat of her Honda Odyssey and a man approaching asks if I need help. No I say, we look sloppy but we do this a lot. He adds that he has helped people like her, his wife is actually recovering from a stroke. She had four brain amuerisms and survived then had a stroke and is mementally all there, just learning to use her limbs again. I looked him in the eye and said "holy moly. You have been through a lot."

Is everything copy? The receptionist saw me looking at the clock a d says time passes, with you? More on that later

A Monk, A Nun and A Professor: My Path To Nonviolence

I saw His Holiness The Dalai Lama speaking with a panel of beautiful people in Fayetteville, Arkansas several years ago, I was invited by an old friend from college who had recently begun school at The University of Arkansas. What an honor. I built my weekend up for weeks before going and I was ready for a breakthrough. I needed a big transformation and I was sure that it would happen and it did. Kind of.
I tell the story like this: I was in Fayateville on a huge campus with my blind friend from college, who is from India. (Describing him as blind may be politically incorrect or offensive, I really am not sure). More on that later.

I am reading His Holiness the Dalai Lama's bestselling book which was written in 1988, "The Art of Happiness," and I am struck with how

We Are A Death Denying Society.

Before breakfast, returning home from work or school and when going to bed are all opportune timed for meditation.

I'm reading "The Foundation" of a book called "50 Mindful Steps to Self-Esteem," while walking on my treadmill and thumb typing a blog post ony smart phone. Don't worry, I'm at a 2.0 speed, ain't no rest for the weary. I like Janette Marotta's explanation of what the Buddha describes as the three basic truths of our existence; you may know these but my books on buddhism only look scholarly on my bookshelves. Most of them, I will be eager to promote Pema Chodron's work on letting go when things fall apart anytime, she got me through a week of breakup with a man that I loved very much. Nothing is permanent, lean in and befriend your own fear; sit with the unknowing and do not reach for security for you will not find what you need elsewhere, I think that's what I'd say about the beauty of her work. Marotta, PhD, says that "When you learn to embrace all parts of yourself -accept yourself unconditionally -your inherent worth comes to the surface. You're open and unbuttoned by your heavy defenses, you're able to truly be there for yourself and others." (P.3)

"Being there for ourselves and for others." I remember seeing Pema Chodron's interview on PBS years ago and being mesmerized at the thought of a woman, married in America going through an unwanted divorce from a cheating husband and coming out a full on practice and preaching Buddhist Monk. I do not want that for mus elf but we need to learn from these leaders on her team.

I am beginning a practice of mindfulness because it's been a long time coming and because I am so empty inside that my Dad is agreeing to foot the bill for a year of intensive Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and my homework is to learn a skill called "Mindfulness." Here I go, signing off after 30 minutes of walking on a treadmill, which is called "exercise" and which is a key component of living a life well (it falls under a skill called "PLEASE" in DBT).

"Choose the rut you take, for you will be in it for the next forty years." -Richard Gilpan

Happy Obon

I am tired of the men who decorate my life phases because I have had no history of kids or careers or studying and researching, I have no history of sunsets and hillsides because I never opened my eyes enough.

I never chose to wake up and find my life's work, my purpose or passion or even the path of least resistance. Why did I write that, "the path of least resistance?" I'd like to convey that I have felt disengaged or disconnected to the person who fills my bookshelf and frames greeting cards to hang on the wall; I love her but I am not I. I am not involved and I have not been for decades. I am a dormant calling to help you discover the fountain of ideas in each of you. I am a thumb typing on a smart phone which is attached to a brain which somehow needs to release a slew of wasted space. Here goes: I dated Bryan in Overland Park while I was living in Lawrence, alone in a wonderful carriage house above a garage behind a house on Pennsylvania St. I had known Bryan in high school and I have a picture of he and Tess playing guitar on Tim's couch late one night; Tess looks beautiful and full of potential. I wasn't attracted to him until after college when I saw hI'm at Ashley's graduation from nursing school party, which she hosted at her grandma Rheva's house. We flirted and talked amongst our friends; he had been close to Ashley's then boyfriend for years and I had grown up and had a lot of fun memories with the people at that party so that puts a person in a nice place to meet someone nice. We exchanged phone numbers late in the night and I was off early in the morning to a cousin's wedding shower. I met Bryan again for an afternoon at the pool in his apartment complex the next day or so; he may have been the first man I kind of almost had a relationship with as an adult; we ate dinner out and I drove home. Next he came to my carriage house and brought a music album - on his phone - but somehow downloaded it at my apt onto a CD which is labeled Gold Frapp. I love the song "little bird" bc it makes me feel whimsy for a July in my married life which we take time to plan our lives, month by month and holiday by holiday, more on that later. I was doing fine with dating until he and I met Ashley and Jeff for a double date at Jazz in the legends& Bryan had been acting very cute and coupley saying things like oh I found us a perfect parking spot and emphasizing the "us" while even looking over at me to make eye contact. I let it wash over me. I had never been in a relationship without forcing someone to love me, I didn't know how to make or feel a real connection but I was there, somewhere watching myself. I talked to Ashley the whole night and ignored Bryan, I remember thinking that when I grow up and go on double dates with my partner and my friends, I won't make my friends uncomfortable by kissing or being googly, I would make my friend the center of attention. I suppose the thought was alright but I ignored my date and I didn't have any comprehension of what it means to be nice to a man, I was real oblivious to a lot of my life. And yet I stayed that night with Bryan, he was not happy with me but didn't say so, I also remember missing the cue one day on a walk with him in the woods. The stint I had with Bryan led me one morning to a service at Unity of Overland Park which featured guest speaker Mary Main Morrisey, who I enjoyed enough to stay around town and see her speaking for an hour lecture later in the afternoon. She had everyone in the audience stand up, turn around three times and look to our neighbor to describe the future life we see for ourselves. I was out of college at this time and working probably as a Nanny; I said to the lady next to me what I saw and I felt warm and fuzzy. I saw myself as an artist with a nice studio in my home, raising kids and teaching some kind of art. That was years ago and I have lived through many men and apartments which haunt my cyclical mind which needs to purge properly. I liked Mary Manin Morrisey and if I had to name an interest or field of something which rings with me it would be the spiritual leaders like her and others in the unity movement, the folks who chuM around with Oprah. I have not been ritualistic or religious although I would truly like to be, I have not fully explored what my views on being a self serving or people serving kind of person, a unity person or a methodist. More on that later. 

I met Kyle while living in that carriage house as well. We met at a bar one night and I picked up his (very strange and unattractive) roommate who wound up walking me walk Erin home and then to my place; I think he had mentioned wanting to ride a train and I literally wanted to marry him for that one comment. But by the time we got to my place I had had a chance to realize that he wasn't my type at all, I said thanks for the walk and bid him farewell. I saw Kyle again at a training for emergencies in Topeka; I had actually thought about him a few times with regret for picking up his roommate instead of him and he was so cute, working as a map maker for a company that was holding the big practice in Topeka, I was with my fellow AmeriCorps*Vista volunteers and quickly set up a date with kyle for that night across from my carriage house. We had fun eating and drinking at a food fair in downtown lawrence but I didn't want to kiss him. We had dates atvarious times, maybe 4 times a year while living in Lawrence; I always thought he was the one bc he's so nice and cool and especially bc he seemed to like me a lot like a lot. So I had to keep revisiting the possibility until I saw him in Washington d.c. while I was there for my grandma's funeral service at Arlington national cemetery. We had been to d.c.c packing up her life with my grandpa a few times in the past few months so by the time of the service we were ready to be in a hotel apart from my dad's siblings. Kyle wound up meeting me for a drink at the hotel bar and then for dinner with my parents both nights we were at that place. I said goodnight the first night but had a lovely time and invited him to stay the second night. I had a kind of mental breakdown after that funeral and was dating a man in the military named what - he was large and fine until I heard a very loud voice on Valentines day to get our of there and left immediately from dinner and said that I had a headache instead of going to a movie and staying the night as we had been sleeping together for weeks. I said no toKyle visiting on new years eve bc I was dating that guy. I have lost my reasoning for typing like this. 

I recently read my great grandmother Lois's Memoirs and I have a voice like hers in this blog post. Maybe I am delusional. I have had many many dates and I will never be regretful bc they got me to where I am today. I used to think that I would write about all of my relationships to serve my kids as a kind of autopilot life lesson on how to appreciate and respect the time we spend with a romantic partner. I want my kids to never worry about being liked. I want them to feel the happiness of a lifetime in one fleeting moment on a dance floor in a very foreign country. I want them to respect their lived enough to pay for travel on a regular basis, I want my kids to swim in Greece bc I had a mental breakdown on Fri and cried mostly about the fact that I  never chose to make money. I never asked myself how can I enjoy this life more and made decisions to get myself to that point. I am here cluttered with apartments and men and babies I did not birth and do not miss. I am sad to see my life had been nothing but default. 

I am so sad to see this apt in this bedroom every morning and night bc I am reminded that I do not like the Life I am living so much so that I think about dying bc I see no hope for anything better. 

DREAM BIG?

The words "dream big" appear on a teeny tiny sticker underneath my ironing board as I pull the thing out from underneath my bed. What a word right, "underneath." I'm cleaning my apartment because in the midst of my chaotic life mess is a to-do list.

And in the midst of the to-do list is a longing for the world to hear my story.

And in the midst of that longing for a world to hear my story is a nearly empty bottle of adderal. In the midst of that bottle is a long string of habitually not forming habits.
And in the midst of realizing that is the observation that I may be an Aunt Ginny.

And my heart drowns. Dream Big? I am alone in my dreams and yet in the midst of it all is a to-do list. Clean my apartment. Make a hate box. Buy champagne to celebrate an engagement, wrap a gift for a toddler. Take more adderal. Realize that the notes I took on Darryl Olive's teacher training is glued in my art journal next to an empty page minus these words: IN THE U.S. A STUDENT DROPS OUT OF SCHOOL EVERY 12 SECONDS. WHATEVER YOU DO, OR DREAM YOU CAN DO, BEGIN IT. BOLDNESS HAS GENIUS POWER AND MAGIC IN IT. BEGIN IT NOW.

As I read the words "Poland is a mixture of aristocracy and monarchy in their worst forms," in a neat line across the top of this nearly blank page it makes me feel powerful. I wrote those words in college and as I read them now my monkey  dreams of adding a knowledge of basic world politics and geography to its vocabulary. I only have to add it to my life plan right, knowing that the why I do something is more important than the what I do. I have a few whys for this one. I am passionate about democracy for one, I am hoping to be a very intelligent mother one day for another and I have to be an educated member of society above all else.

What does it mean to be "passionate" about democracy? Is our U.S. flag really the most recognized symbol of freedom and democracy in the world? Who is Virginia Foxx and why do I l constantly have an urge to share my story with you, the one of me finding an unread parenting book in my Dad's library? I read about making a family constitution in that book and as a Nanny I went back to that concept fairly often, moRe on that later. I found a small black notebook with a name tag that reads Hello My Name Is Writer. I wrote the word "writer" and I have full faith that what I began in that notebook is worth seeing through.